Sample Day (Remember not to follow to strictly. Mommy's are good at picking up on patterns, so remember to switch things up. Bonus points though for luring her into a routine and then suddenly stopping.)
2:14 - 5:47- Wake Mommy up and demand a new diaper. Upon receiving new diaper cuddle Mommy close and go back to sleep in the big bed. Remember to kick often and forcefully and/or sleep on top of Mommy.
8:12- Wake Mommy up by jumping on her. Continue jumping until she gets out of bed.
8:32- Insist on "brushing" your teeth in the nude.
8:40- Refuse all breakfast suggestions and ask for a banana, or apple NOT SLICED, instead.
8:44- Eat naked. When finished follow Mommy around telling her to throw the peel, or core, away. Doing it yourself would be easier, but less fun, and despite her claims she loves it.
8:58- Collapse in floor claiming you NEED food. Refuse all suggestions acting like they're poison.
9:02- Realize Mommy doesn't believe you're starving. Take matters into your own hands and raid the fridge. A bag of pepperoni is a great breakfast.
9:08- Become unable to function unless clinging to Mommy. She CAN'T cook without holding you or you wrapped around her legs.
9:13- Spit out "breakfast" because what was on your plate was disgusting. "Tiggers no like scrambled eggs!"
9:14- Pretend to be a cow and beg Mommy to feed you her breakfast (Looks are deceiving it is NOT the same as yours.)
9:33- Run screaming through the house as Mommy tries to dress you. Allow yourself to be captured, but only for a diaper(the alternative is going back to using the potty; a serious consumer of time and energy)
9:47- Request Phineas and Ferb and shriek in pain at the mention of any other possibilities. Don't actually pay attention to P&F, after all you've seen them ALL 5+ times.
10:00- Realize Mommy is trying to do dishes or clean. Demand she stop and cuddle, once she's convinced revert to wrestling instead (Hair pulling and biting are both fair play regardless of her arguments to the contrary.)
10:11- Nearly die because she untangles herself from you, sets you on the couch(or floor), and walks away.
10:11- Realize that not only is she ignoring you, but she might actually achieve something on her To Do List without your help. Rush to her aid.
10:29- Get bored of being helpful and knock something over, break something, or destroy whatever progress Mommy's made (Bonus points if you can unfold an entire basket of laundry before being stopped)
10:32- Endure torture as Mommy makes you clean up your mess.
10:48- Sneak into the kitchen and self serve yourself a snack. Act innocent, and starved, when Mommy catches me.
10:52- Eat snack while squirming on top of Mommy and demanding she turn Phineas and Ferb back on.
10:55- Become enthralled with the TV. Scream in betrayal when you realize Mommy wandered off to clean and/or cooking lunch.
11:01- Bounce around Mommy demanding she holds you. If she picks you up, squirm, if she doesnt then cling to her legs.
11:30- Realize once again that Mommy has attempted to feed you grossness while keeping all the tastiness to herself. Allow her to trade you plates, eat some, realize she tricked you, and drop your plate of the floor.
11:42- Throw a fit when Mommy insists you clean up your mess. After she helps you clean, even though mostly all she did was talk, realize you're still starving and raid the fridge.
11:45- Cuddle with Mommy and a healthy snack. Listen as she reads books and/or watches a movie with you.
12:03- Realize that she is being sneaky again and trying to put you to sleep. This is your cue to retaliate her betrayal with destruction, screaming, and running. (It's important to get your blood pumping and yourself awake without making yourself overly tired.)
12:28- Play with Mommy. Tractors, trains, tools, pretend, tea party, outside, etc
12:37- Get irrationally angry about something that Mommy can't control and throw a tantrum.
12:39- Almost calm down, but realize Mommy isn't in kicking range and continue tantrum because you can't kick her and she won't move closer.
12:47- After finally calming down realize you almost fell asleep, again; run around the living room knocking into things. Laugh when Mommy asks you to stop repeatedly. Screech like she is killing you when get picks you up and ends your rampage.
12:54- Your eyes flutter shut for half a second while Mommy was walking you and singing. Unacceptable!
1:04- Remove all pillows and cushions from couch and use it as a trampoline. Must. Stay. Awake.
1:06- Mommy puts the couch back together, but don't let that deter you. Remove cushions and pillows regardless of how many times Mommy puts them back.
1:14- It's time to dump out your water. Great places are other cups, plates, floors, toys, etc. This normally leads to a bath or "washing" dishes. Enjoy and splash as much as possible because we all know that's the only time anything gets mopped.
1:38- Avoid being dried or clothed at all costs. Eventually conceding to a diaper is reasonable, but not necessary.
1:40- Realize you are about to starve to death and raid the fridge. Don't close it this time. Scream because Mommy caught you and traded your specially chosen snack for a less tasty one, but eat it anyway.
1:48- Remove diaper and escape outside.
1:50- Whine about being drug back inside, and kick and roll while Mommy puts a diaper on you.
1:52- Roll around the living room floor wrapped in a blanket.
1:59- Hide (Bonus points if you make it outside)
2:04- Pretend like you want to cuddle, watch a movie, and nap.
2:20- Run to the kitchen for a self served snack.
2:34- Ignore movie and play pretend with Mommy.
2:58- Wander off; upstairs, downstairs, outside, etc
3:15- Feel disheartened when found and carried away from the wonderful mischief you were causing and take some time to mope.
3:22- Request a snack. DO NOT EAT IT!
3:37- Attempt to self serve a snack from on top of the fridge. You always get caught, but one of these days you'll succeed.
3:42- Go on a rampage.
3:52- Sneak up stairs to jump on a bed. Preferably Mommy's bed. When caught duck under covers and start snoring. Use catch phrase "Huh. What? What's going on here?" if Mommy in anyway disturbs your "slumber".
4:02- Notice that somehow the house doesn't look like a war zone. Feel like a failure and act like a grouch.
4:10- Tyrannical Toddler Tirade Time: Cause as much destruction as possible. (Bonus points for doing it in the nude)
5:09- Regret not napping LOUDLY!!!
5:15- Cuddle with Mommy while watching Phineas and Ferb.
5:22- Mommy is clearly thinking about dinner at this point. Be kind and distract her with rough cuddling.
5:28- Almost fall asleep. Mommy will poke you and claim it is to late for a nap.
5:34- Start requesting a snack. Dinner will be fixed and served soon and you can't be hungry when that poison is served.
5:40- Mommy will be actively trying to starve you, so now is the time to self serve yourself.
5:43- Writhe and shriek like a banshee when caught, before Mommy even touches you. Maintain tantrum as long as possible. Ignore all attempts that Mommy makes to comfort or reason with you.
5:45- Once you calm down Mommy will start working on dinner and desperately needs your help. The most helpful you can possibly be is in Mommy's arms. Thinking only of her happiness insist that she hold you the ENTIRE time!
5:59- Get bored of Mommy making you useful, and not carrying you around, and leave the kitchen.
6:02- Turn on TV. Beg Mommy to turn it to the correct channel.
6:07- Storm the kitchen and liberate the snacks. The safest place for them is in your tummy.
6:13- Liberate something from the kitchen that Mommy says is "dangerous" like the can opener, cork screw, heavy pan, something breakable, etc
6:16- Raid the kitchen again. You cannot be hungry when dinner is served.
6:18- Sit quietly munching and watching Phineas and Ferb.
6:32- Raid kitchen again for snacks.
6:48- Check on Mommy. Sometimes she gets lost or relaxed, neither are appropriate.
6:53- Use the trash can as a drum. Hide under the table when Mommy tells you that trash cans aren't for drumming. (Don't lose your patience with her; yes she has told you hundreds of times that the trash can isn't a drum, but she's a slow learner. Never fear; one day she'll realize that EVERYTHING is a drum just be patient)
7:01- You'll hear the garage door, so it's time to get extremely excited!
7:01- Open the door to the basement and shout for Ron. They'll be no response, so go back to whatever you were doing before.
7:02- You'll hear the garage door again. Charge down the stairs to greet Ron.
7:05- With Ron home you can now ignore Mommy, briefly. If Ron and Mommy try and touch, or talk, interrupt them. Run around with Ron, sweetly, and with only a minimum of destruction.
7:18- Interrupt Mommy and demand attention.
7:24- Realize it's dinner time and try and have a snack instead.
7:28- Refuse dinner (If Mommy is tricky and makes something that you love it's okay to eat it just be sure to eat Mommy's too)
8:03- Mommy will start cleaning up and NEEDS help, mostly opening and closing the dishwasher, but the fridge also needs opened and closed.
8:16- If you start feeling sleepy at this point start running through the house. Contrary to parental belief the only reason the living room has so much open space is for you to run.
8:28- Request a snack Mommy hasn't let you have all day.
8:37- Cause destruction while running again. Remember: You are not tired!
8:49- Shriek as Mommy grabs you and tries to wrestle you into a new diaper and pajamas. Mommy wants you to wrestle and kick, it's a game, as soon as your dressed run away and strip your pajamas off.
8:53- Mommy or Ron will turn on a movie, protest it, they will then try to cuddle you, resist. The easiest way to stay awake it to move back and forth between Mommy and Ron cuddles. Staying still is your enemy.
9:10- If you're asleep at this point you've failed, again, but you can try again tomorrow.
Repeat tomorrow.
Tricks, Tips, and Warnings
-Anytime that Mommy goes to the bathroom this is the perfect time to run outside, jump on her bed, or find something dangerous to play with.
-If Mommy goes upstairs or downstairs you need to follow, loudly. If you can't convince her to carry you complain about it and when she goes back up or down the stairs MAKE her carry up. Obviously you broke your legs following her up, or down.
-If, at any point, Mommy tries to workout remember to be kind and help her. She gets no benefit from exercise unless you assist her, so don't let her effort be in vain.
-Resist all attempts to be clothed, even if Mommy promises to take you outside or to the park, she will keep her promise, however, you'll be clothed and it's not worth it.
-Resist all attempts at cognitive stimulation. Only listen to book when you want to. Only color on books, walls, and Mommy's lists; never coloring books. Play dough is for grinding into the carpet not creating things. If Mommy asks you what color something is say 'white' and if she asks what shape something is it's okay to give her strange looks, but don't answer. Mommy is a big girl and she can learn these silly things on her own.
-It's a okay to use the potty on occasion to get marshmallows, but remember that using the potty may lead to marshmallows in the short term, however, it leads to great responsibility in the long term. DON'T fall for it.
-Don't let your room be "cleaned" your personal method of organization is perfection. Mommy is just jealous, so don't let her ruin your masterpiece
-Lastly if Mommy massages her forehead, stares longingly at her wine bottle, stuffs her face with chocolate, or screams into a pillow you are doing great! Keep up the good work, and remember the earlier in the day you get one of these reactions the better.
-Also lastly, Mommy's don't live on food, but coffee, hugs, kisses, and cuddles. Don't let Mommy starve.
